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Posts Tagged ‘horoscopes


Aries: The weather is perfect for jumping on a large trampoline. try impressing your friends with a summersault or a slam dunk?

Libra: its time to pull out those overalls from your closet. maybe your one purpose in life was to bring back the 90’s. bring it back Libra. bring it back with vigor.

Taurus: If you play this song backwards, you will find the meaning of life.

Scorpio: when you travel to space this summer, make sure you join an aerobics class.

Gemini: You will wear a shirt today that will accentuate your nipples.

Cancer: Try something new today. like wearing your left shoe on your right foot. it will feel liberating, and will eventually give you the confidence to start your own business.

Leo: everybody knows the old question “how do you get the caramel in the caramilk bar?”. Did you ever stop to consider that maybe there are more important things in the world? wake up leo. wake up.

Virgo: stop watching the same ‘ol youtube videos. Its time to broaden your horizons.

Libra: The rodents in your neighborhood are rabid do not develop a relationship with them.

Sagitarius: Today you will not go swimming.  If you decide it’s a good idea to go swimming, think again. A child or elderly woman will blow chunks in the pool and it will have to be evacuated.

Capricorn:
If you host a murder mystery party make sure to talk in a scottish accent it will throw off all of your competitors and you might just get away with murder (the fake kind for the game…not real murder..we don’t encourage that)

Aquarius:
Drink lots of water today.  Remember to urinate though or your internal organs may drown in the vast amount of water that you drank.

Pisces: If you go exploring in a random forest today make sure to wear pants and shoes.  If not you might get bitten by bugs in inappropriate places..or you might get arrested.


We are so sorry for not writing horoscopes for the past few days, we know you must have been lost without them!! but have no fear, it’s a new week… here are your horoscopes for Monday!

Aries: Thank goodness its monday right? WRONG! It’s going to be a crazy week….after all you work at a candy factory. Someones gotta make em! We appreciate you.

Libra: Dr. Phil once said “its my way or the highway”. Take the highway.

Taurus: This week, participate in a cheese or honey festival. Be sure to dress like a pirate. If you think that the two previous sentences are completely unrelated, then you are foolish.

Scorpio: Your love for the weather man is not just a crush. Pursue him and you will live happily ever after, while reaping the benefits of 50% accurate predictions.

Gemini: Monday nights are the new Saturdays.  Have a party, do something wild.  Have some suicide chicken wings.

Cancer: Paper Maché hats are really in fashion for you today.  I hope you woke up extra early to make one for yourself.  If ,you don’t let it dry long enough you might get pieces of mushy newspaper in your hair.  People will assume it’s bird poop.

Leo: Remember not to steal the cookie from the cookie jar.  We mean that literally, those cookies have been there for a really long time..you might get sick.  I think some of them might even be plastic.

Virgo: I hope you woke up wearing some fancy dance shoes…because today for some reason your legs want to jive…you may not be able to walk without twisting and shaking.

Sagittarius:  If you see a horse today, do not ride it.  It will be the reincarnation of John Lennon.  Imagine riding John Lennon…I don’t think he’d want you to.  Respect his wishes.

Capricorn: Go to the bank today wearing a fake mustache.  Talk in a russian spy accent.  Ask where the auditions for American Idol are.

Aquarius: You may think today is a good day to wear fake leather shoes.  You are wrong.  You will get them wet and they will smell like a dirty sock soaked in sausages.

Pisces: Eggs are your answer today.  If anyone asks you a question, simply answer, “Eggs.”  They will completely understand.  How could they not?


Ta Da! Horoscopes for Thursday

Aries: calculators are making a huge come back today, at least for you. You will get excited by the ridiculously big ones with the giant numbers.

Libra: Don’t walk anywhere backwards today. I know it’s been the trend for the last few months but today stay clear of any backward activities…you WILL fall in a pothole.

Taurus: You might be thinking about purchasing a unicycle this video will help you make the right decision.

Scorpio: An ant you step on today is the reincarnation of Elvis.

Gemini: Its earth day today. And no one does earth day better than you virgo. oh this is Gemini…well this is awkward.

Cancer: You will be forgotten about today. but don’t worry we still love you

Leo: Big Instruments will put you in a good mood today.

Virgo: When you go to your highschool reunion, go prepared with a dance routine. It will knock their socks off.

Sagittarius: Wear pleather to your interview today. It will make you stand out. probably in a bad way, but thats the price of being popular.

Capricorn: An Asian gang will challenge you in Dance Dance Revolution today. Accept their challenge. You will lose. But you get to keep your life.

Aquarius: Danny Tanner once said “Don’t be silly. I’m just cleaning my rubber gloves.” Do that today.

Pisces: Stop searching. The answer to #60 across in todays toronto star crossword is “erase”. you’re welcome.


Hello Hello! Horoscopes for Wednesday!

Aries: In some cultures Justin Beiber is viewed as a 13 year old girl with an unfortunate haircut. In others, he is considered a healing power greater than any prescription drug. Study this video and yee shall be healed.

Libra: Make dinner for a loved one using the Slap Chop, and reap the rewards of love and minced veggies!

Taurus: Your horoscopes these past few days haven’t been very good, and I’m afraid the future doesn’t look any better. Switch to sweet n’ low to balance your karmic density and check back  tomorrow for the results.

Scorpio: What happened to Miss Independent? Today try and be more miss-on-her-own, miss almost-grown, miss never-let-a-man-help-her-off-her-throne.

Gemini: If spoken to by a bearded man leave no clues as to wear you are headed. He is a russian spy.

Cancer: It’s time to rediscover kate bush. I know its scary, but it will help.

Leo: Own your domain today. Make it clear that your space is your space. When anyone comes close to you make sure you roar at them. Today is the only day you can do this without looking totally weird.

Virgo: Like a Virgo! Touched for the very first time. Sing that today..peoople will love you

Sagittarius: You will find new meaning in this video

Capricorn: Potato salad is in your near future. Make sure to avoid peas today.

Aquarius: Today is going to be a great day. You will skip, you will jump, you will make a new friend who has a very nice mustache. He will make you think about growing one yourself.

Pisces: Your lifelong dream of becoming a mascot for a local cheeseburger joint is one step closer to becoming a reality. Today, stretching should be incorporated into your daily routine.


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