Hello Hello! Horoscopes for Wednesday!

Aries: In some cultures Justin Beiber is viewed as a 13 year old girl with an unfortunate haircut. In others, he is considered a healing power greater than any prescription drug. Study this video and yee shall be healed.

Libra: Make dinner for a loved one using the Slap Chop, and reap the rewards of love and minced veggies!

Taurus: Your horoscopes these past few days haven’t been very good, and I’m afraid the future doesn’t look any better. Switch to sweet n’ low to balance your karmic density and check back  tomorrow for the results.

Scorpio: What happened to Miss Independent? Today try and be more miss-on-her-own, miss almost-grown, miss never-let-a-man-help-her-off-her-throne.

Gemini: If spoken to by a bearded man leave no clues as to wear you are headed. He is a russian spy.

Cancer: It’s time to rediscover kate bush. I know its scary, but it will help.

Leo: Own your domain today. Make it clear that your space is your space. When anyone comes close to you make sure you roar at them. Today is the only day you can do this without looking totally weird.

Virgo: Like a Virgo! Touched for the very first time. Sing that today..peoople will love you

Sagittarius: You will find new meaning in this video

Capricorn: Potato salad is in your near future. Make sure to avoid peas today.

Aquarius: Today is going to be a great day. You will skip, you will jump, you will make a new friend who has a very nice mustache. He will make you think about growing one yourself.

Pisces: Your lifelong dream of becoming a mascot for a local cheeseburger joint is one step closer to becoming a reality. Today, stretching should be incorporated into your daily routine.