Last years Halloween Costume blog was such a hit, we’ve decided to give you some more earth shattering, mind blowing ideas. Choose any of these costumes and you will be the life of any party.
Posted October 3, 2012on:
Are you surprised that your family doesn’t want you at their festive feast this year? What did you do wrong? Did you double dip in Aunt Beths famous “Gummy bear and cream cheese delight”? Did you pick up Grandpa Joe from the airport only to find when you arrived to dinner that he is in fact not Grandpa Joe? Did you drink too much wine and pass out on the neighbours lawn with a turkey leg up your butt? Dear god, I wouldn’t want you back either! Don’t fret, cause that’s the beauty of family, they can avoid you, but they can never really get rid of you!
Step 1: Find the Location
You don’t know where dinner is being held this year because you didn’t receive an invite. No problem. Call around, claim ignorance, and make them feel bad. One of them is bound to crack! eg: “Oh hey Aunt Beth, I forgot who was hosting this year,” “Hey Uncle Steve, I lost my invite,” “Hows Grandpa Joe doing? Can’t wait to see him this year!”
Step 2: Infiltrate and Attack
haha! you’ve got the location, now you need to arrive without anyone really noticing. That way you’ll just “be there” and everyone will assume that you belong. Kind of like when you’re approached by a dinosaur, immediately put your hands to your chest and squawk, assimilate, beeee there. Back windows are a good place to start, but I find the very best strategy is finding the kids, your second cousins, your nieces and nephews, your little munchkins who will lead you down the yellow brick road to glory. They are bound to be playing in the backyard, just go round back and toss them a frisbee, BOOM you’re in. If you get all of them to tackle you while laughing, bonus points. Your family will eventually gaze out the window “hey, look who it is” “how long has he been here?” “who cares, at least he’s keeping the kids happy”
Step 3: Act like you did nothing wrong
Yes you are in, but there are still going to be a few angry relatives who demand an explanation for your behaviour last year. These ones will bring you down. I like to call them Land Mines. Three words: AVOID AVOID AVOID. Sit at the opposite end from anyone you suspect to be a LM. If you see them approaching you from across the room, redirect your gaze and claim you have to go to the bathroom. Some will be more persistent than others, these ones aren’t afraid to make a scene. Put the music on really loud so even if they are yelling, no one will hear them – alternatively you can “accidentally” lock them in the pantry. what?! There’s food in there…
Step 4: Tell an amazing story at Dinnertime – be the life of the party
This is it, it’s your time to shine. You’ve got everyone where you want them (including the unlucky relative in the pantry). Some people have trouble with this one, but we are going to tell you a little secret. Your worst moments make your best stories. We should know. Laura once got into a verbal altercation with a hooker in a Tim Hortons bathroom and I once accidentally put “urban” hair product into my hair and looked like I took a bath in vaseline. Heck, these weren’t our finest moments but they do make great dinner party stories. One thing I know for sure is, we always, ALWAYS get invited back. So what we suggest is telling the story of something stupid you did, perhaps even your previous thanksgiving when you woke up with a turkey leg in your arse on the neighbours front lawn. Too soon? Nah! The secret to telling stories that you believe some people will be offended by is simple… Just laugh really, really, really hard. Uncontrollable laughter will ease any uncomfortable situation. When you laugh uncontrollably other people will follow suit and whoever is left not laughing will look like the über douche. Hopefully this guy won’t be invited back next year, that is unless he reads this blog.
Step 5: Redeem yourself
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone wakes up with turkey skin flapping out of their butt every once in a while. Even Obama. Everyone always has a chance to redeem themselves though. After everyone is all limbered up from their laugh attack they will be more open to your bullshit. Feed them lies. Elaborate lies. Lies about helping underprivileged sweat shop children in New Guinea get degrees in restaurant management. People eat that shit up. Trust me. Have we ever lied you guys? No, not ever. We are experts in every field. Now, that they think you are a hero and no longer a zero…you are set for next year…. That is until they find Aunt Zelda in the pantry. Act confused if she tattles on you. Scratch your head, look dizzy….look concust. Concust people do crazy shit all the time. Now…start laughing…. Uncontrollably. You are as good as golden.
These horoscopes are geared towards anyone going back to school. Although they can be applied to anyone. Replace teacher with sister or boss or homeless guy down the street and you are as good as golden. Replace school with sushi bar and whammy – everyones moons are aligned.
Aries: Nobody in your school has a peanut allergy. Let’s be honest…peanut allergies don’t exist. Neither do gluten or ragweed allergies. Stand up for your rights and bring a peanut butter/ gluten and ragweed sandwich to school today.
Libra: Don’t like your teacher? Neither did Clay Aiken, and look how he turned out! No talent, weird hair and he has a strange obsession with rubber chickens. Think twice about not liking your teacher. Rubber chicken fetishes are hard to shake.
Taurus: If you want to get noticed early on in the school year “accidentally” forget your pants at home. You will be a shoe-in for prom queen/king or most likely to be in a Marky Mark and the funky bunch cover band. Both equally as cool school statuses.
Scorpio: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get a locker near the science lab. You will 100% lose a limb, or possibly forget your locker combo. This reading isn’t coming in to clear.
Gemini: Need to pick a topic for a speech? Stick to what you know Gemini. Recipes containing fluff or the need for a universal language containing only whistles and kicks. In fact, you should perform your entire speech in this language. Your teacher will love it and you might even get moved to a class for special people.
Cancer: Thinking about trying the new chicken burger in your school cafeteria? Think twice about it. It has been endorsed by the one and only, you guessed it, Clay Aiken. That chicken is rubber fool.
Leo: You don’t know this yet but you are severely allergic to peanuts/gluten and ragweed. Make sure you bring an EpiPen to school today, we suspect Aries might bring a sandwich in that might send you into Anaphylactic shock.
Virgo: Want to make nice with your new teacher? Forget about that shiny apple in your backpack, its 2012! (and it has been proven that an apple a day does NOT keep the doctor away, it rots your teeth!). Instead, give her a poster of Audrey Hepburn with one of those wishy washy quotes of hers about looking pretty and wearing shoes, chicks like that right?
Sagittarius: You were a nerd last year, but this time things will change! why? because a) your former bully went to fat camp this past summer and got stuck in a tire swing, firefighters are still trying to cut him out. b) watch “17 Again” it has all the tips and tricks on how to be the cool kid. PLUS you get to oogle over Zack Effron for 2 hours! Man he’s hot…
Capricorn: Join a club this year! Chances are your school will start a Glee club cause apparently they needed a tv-show to affirm that singing and dancing is in fact FUCKING AWESOME.
Aquarius: So you fell in love with an australian chick over the summer and broke up with her cause she was leaving. And now school has started and that same chick goes to your school now! And your friends are asking you to tell them ALL about it! and your like “those suuuuuummer niiiiiiights” and then you make a musical about it and get rich. BAM.
Pisces: TARGET is now in TORONTO!! You can FINALLY get those perfect back-to-school outfits on those happy kids you saw in their commercials but could never have!
Ophiuchus: You went back to school today only to find out you still don’t exist. Boom.