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These horoscopes are geared towards anyone going back to school.  Although they can be applied to anyone.  Replace teacher with sister or boss or homeless guy down the street and you are as good as golden.  Replace school with sushi bar and whammy – everyones moons are aligned.

Aries: Nobody in your school has a peanut allergy. Let’s be honest…peanut allergies don’t exist.  Neither do gluten or ragweed allergies.  Stand up for your rights and bring a peanut butter/ gluten and ragweed sandwich to school today.

Libra:  Don’t like your teacher?  Neither did Clay Aiken, and look how he turned out!  No talent, weird hair and he has a strange obsession with rubber chickens. Think twice about not liking your teacher.  Rubber chicken fetishes are hard to shake.

Clay Aiken is obsessed with rubber chickens.

Taurus: If you want to get noticed early on in the school year “accidentally” forget your pants at home.  You will be a shoe-in for prom queen/king or most likely to be in a Marky Mark and the funky bunch cover band.  Both equally as cool school statuses.

Scorpio: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get a locker near the science lab.  You will 100% lose a limb, or possibly forget your locker combo.  This reading isn’t coming in to clear.

Gemini: Need to pick a topic for a speech?  Stick to what you know Gemini. Recipes containing fluff or the need for a universal language containing only whistles and kicks. In fact, you should perform your entire speech in this language.  Your teacher will love it and you might even get moved to a class for special people.

Cancer: Thinking about trying the new chicken burger in your school cafeteria?  Think twice about it.  It has been endorsed by the one and only, you guessed it, Clay Aiken.  That chicken is rubber fool.

Leo: You don’t know this yet but you are severely allergic to peanuts/gluten and ragweed.  Make sure you bring an EpiPen to school today, we suspect Aries might bring a sandwich in that might send you into Anaphylactic shock.

Virgo: Want to make nice with your new teacher? Forget about that shiny apple in your backpack, its 2012! (and it has been proven that an apple a day does NOT keep the doctor away, it rots your teeth!).  Instead, give her a poster of Audrey Hepburn with one of those wishy washy quotes of hers about looking pretty and wearing shoes, chicks like that right?

Sagittarius: You were a nerd last year, but this time things will change! why? because a) your former bully went to fat camp this past summer and got stuck in a tire swing, firefighters are still trying to cut him out. b) watch “17 Again” it has all the tips and tricks on how to be the cool kid. PLUS you get to oogle over Zack Effron for 2 hours! Man he’s hot…

Capricorn: Join a club this year! Chances are your school will start a Glee club cause apparently they needed a tv-show to affirm that singing and dancing is in fact FUCKING AWESOME.

Aquarius: So you  fell in love with an australian chick over the summer and broke up with her cause she was leaving. And now school has started and that same chick goes to your school now! And your friends are asking you to tell them ALL about it! and your like “those suuuuuummer niiiiiiights” and then you make a musical about it and get rich. BAM.

Pisces: TARGET is now in TORONTO!! You can FINALLY get those perfect back-to-school outfits on those happy kids you saw in their commercials but could never have!

Ophiuchus:  You went back to school today only to find out you still don’t exist. Boom.


This morning I woke up and was extremely hungry.  I mean hungrier than a hippo or Randy Jackson before his stomach stapling surgery. I was searching through my fridge and I came across 2 things. 1. tubed cookie dough (Delicious!) and 2. eggs.

I thought to myself…what should I eat?  Eggs seem substantial.  Cookie dough seems delicious and so simple to eat…just a squeeze of the tube and satisfaction would be mine.  No muss, no fuss, no pesky shells!

So after 7 – 10 minutes, I finished eating my raw cookie dough and I started to go into a severe sugar and gluten comma, I began to regret my decision. I wish there was a better solution to my breakfast dilemma. I wish I could have eaten the substantial eggs but in an easier, more convenient form.  If you are anything like me, I really don’t like eating eggshells.  I find it make my eggs far too crunchy.

Well, luck be a lady this morning!  Look what I came across on the interweb!  Another incredibly useful, amazing, highly desired invention/food product created by the Japanese!  Tubed Eggs!  What could honestly be better?  Seriously?  Anything?  Seeing Justin Bieber ride a unicycle while eating Jello?  That would compare….but the Japanese have probably already create an App for that.  So don’t you worry!   Go on, grab some tubed eggs this morning and squeeze your breakfast onto your plate or (how I like it) directly into your pie hole.

 


Thanks Jenelle for this one!


Clever ad.  Clever indeed.

 


Here’s a clip from another HBO amazing show.  It’s called “Life’s too Short”.  This is a clip of Liam Neeson trying to do improv.


The Rankin Family tells us this is thier new favourite band and song!


This is hilarious.


Aries: Time to quit your job. WHAT? but WHY? you ask. Well for starters, aint nobody gets respect from working at a canned beans factory. Now put that bean scoop down and get out there!

Libra: Stop!  You think you look good in white!  You really, really don’t!  It makes you look like one giant milk mustache.  It’s not 1997, that look ain’t cool anymore!

Taurus: You feeling tech savvy today?  You should be!  Your moon is in your left nano-zone creating an ultra-creative tech environment for you.  May we suggest inventing the i-phone 5?  I’m jonesing for a new phone and I would like the latest model.  Thanks!  Can you also make it so it can read my mind?

Scorpio: OH SNAP!  That’s right,  you are going to hear a snap today if you don’t start watching where you are going!  The snap will of course be either the sound of a baby squirrels neck being broken or the crack of a snails shell.  It all depends on the direction of the wind through your west star today.  Check your local weather station for more information.

Gemini: Have you ever taken a good look at yourself gemini?  Or should I say Gem – In – Eye.  That’s right, your eyes, contain gems inside them!  Don’t go removing them just yet though, wait until your next moon/bowel passes,  it will double in size.

Cancer:  Have you ever taken a good look at yourself Cancer?  Or should I say Can – Sir!  That’s right you are addicted to canned foods and you are in desperate need of an intervention.  Just because you call someone sir does not mean they will give you all of their canned foods.  So leave everyone alone.  We donated our cans to the less fortunate.

Leo: Hot diggity dog!  That’s what you should be saying this weekend.  That’s really all you should be saying this weekend, nobody will care if you say anything else. Zip it Leo.

Virgo: Feel like curing some meat this weekend?  You are going to need to, your fridge and freezer are going to break down and you are going to have to do some mad preservation!  Might as well start now.  Here’s a some great tips.

Sagittarius: Want to bring overalls back into style?  Me too!  It’s up to you though Sagittarius,  saturn of style is in your o-zone this weekend meaning you will be very influential on current trends and styles.  Everyone will be watching you.  The time to wear overalls is now.

Capricorn:  Ever wish there was such thing as a really big kiwi without the skin?  So you could eat it without peeling and it would be worthwhile because it would be really big?  Ya, me too.  Keep dreaming Capricorn, that’s what we like about you.  You are a dreamer.

Aquarius: Alert! Alert!  We are alerting you to the sale on Back Ribs at sobeys.  They are one for only 3.99/lb.  Just make sure after buying your truckload, you don’t bring them over to Virgo’s house.  He/she is on a meat curing frenzy this weekend!

Pisces: Avoid people that don’t take design chicks horoscopes seriously.  They are clearly a reincarnation of Hitler.  Nobody wants to hang out with that fool.

Ophiuchus: Did you eat the hairy watermelon you bought at the store?  Ha, you are ridiculous Ophiuchus.  That hairy watermelon was a figment of your imagination, just like you are a figment of mine.  A hairy watermelon is more likely to exist than you are.  Fact.


Recently we got a very angry email from one member of the Rankin family. He told us how disappointed they were that we had decided to employ such Canadian icons as Rita MacNeil and Anne Murray but hadn’t asked them to take part in our explosively popular blog.  So they pitched us an idea that we thought was great.  They would like to provide us with an interesting, funny or unique  youtube video every day.  We all know how lazy the Rankin family can be though (no offense guys)  so don’t actually expect one every day. Maybe once a month.


I wished that Sex and the city would some day come back with another season, and like all wishes that come true, they are an awkward, mishaped version of what you actually wanted – kind of like an inbred child (<–top left). And sometimes that little cross-eyed ball of joy turns out to be exactly what you needed. Well folks, HBO’s new series, GIRLS is that deformed miracle. Created by 26-year old Lena Dunham, the show follows the lives of a close-knit group of twenty-somethings as they attempt to chart their lives in New York City. The pilot begins with the central character, Hannah (played by Dunham), being cut-off from the financial support of her parents, as she is left to face the reality of finding a “real” job to make ends meet, all the while attempting to flourish as a writer and navigate through her awkward personal life. GIRLS provides an honest portrayal of young women pursuing their dreams in New York, and the hilariously painful truths of it all. It’s funny, inappropriate, and authentic. In short, MY NEW FAVOURITE SHOW.

The first season has already ended, so get on it!
Check out this trailer !

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