Aries: you will find “love” today at the corner of Jane and Finch

Libra: Cher once said “ayaaaaaaeeeeeeOOOowww”. what do you think she meant by that? ponder this today.

Taurus: You will actually see a ford taurus today.  It will look like any other car but it will be a taurus.

Scorpio: Use paper today, in some form.  Draw a picture, make a paper airplane.  Today is one of the only days of the year you can play with paper and we can guarantee you won’t get a paper cut.

Gemini: If you are thinking about dancing today, try to avoid doing it while holding a very full hot beverage.

Cancer: It’s your lucky day!  Find a penny pick it up, all day long your have good luck.  Seriously though, you have to find a penny and you will have a good day.  If not, you develop a large pimple and have troubles sleeping at night.

Leo: Harry Potter may look like your uncle but your uncle looks more like Harry Potter.

Virgo: In your past life you were a donut and blind salesperson.  Try and use this in your life now, you still own the skills you learned from your prior life.

Sagittarius: Turn on the TV, try to find “Deal or no Deal” or “Howie Do it”  your future lies in the shine on Howie’s head.

Capricorn: Stop thinking about what you are thinking about and start thinking about this

Aquarius: You are going to have a really great weekend.  Remember not to talk to women with really big hands.

Pisces: a plastic cup could cut your lip if the cup breaks